My anxiety is at an all-time clusterfuck high.
Starting at the beginning: my boyfriend graduated college last Saturday after a five-year stint in our university’s journalism/mass communications program. More than a month ago, he decided he’d like to move to Colorado to be with his twin brother and take advantage of the state’s newspaper market. At first it was a fleeting thing, but then it turned into a reality I had to accept. His stuff is now in storage and he’s got nothing but a suitcase of clothes and a post-collegiate crisis in tow.
Now, with 2-3 days left, I find myself in a constant state of panic.
I have hit record lows with myself before, but this morning was when I hit bottom. The worst, longest panic attack I’ve ever had. My anxiety swimming through my veins, creeping into my eyes, making me shake and breathe heavily on the bus, during the walk home, through the front door, in my bathroom. The tumor-like lump in the throat, the weight of a train refusing to be lifted … it’s as if the levees had broken. Bottled up during an anxious night and restless sleep, only to explode in public.
This all stems from the fact that I’ve had to be strong, brave and supportive during these circumstances. I had to sit through his graduation dinner with his Dad and brothers, who were urging him to go as I idly picked at my sashimi and pretended to eat. I believe he needs to leave to enter that whole “expanding your horizons” realm that I’m so far from reaching, but because he’s unfortunately become my world (a bad habit of mine with some guys), I’ll know I’ll be lost for weeks.
Not only am I constantly anxious, but I’m also reverting back to more bulimic or binge-eating behaviors instead of just unhealthily fasting. I crammed three sandwiches into my fat gullet today and they ended up floating in the toilet ten minutes later. This territory seems so foreign to me now, because I haven’t done much of that since my junior year of high school.
My behavior, focus, mental stability, self-esteem and body image are all being impacted by this one thing. I know I’ll adapt, especially since next week I get to start with a new ED therapist — something I haven’t done in years — and I’ll be doing crafts to send off to Kiera and other friends. But it’s getting to that point. It’s getting acquainted with the idea of him leaving, after we’ve been completely inseparable since we met and have never spent more than a week apart.
I am whining. I know I am. But I am growing very tired of screaming and no one hearing me.